You Want Jobs, We Got Jobs
Nevada looks across its western border with envy and wonder. It envies California’s massive economy, one of the world’s greatest. It can only wonder, though, about the way Gov. Pete Wilson and assorted others bad-mouth their own state, calling California a lousy place to do business, overregulated, overtaxed, blah blah blah.
Well, Nevadans aren’t dumb. They took stock of their own pint-size economy of blackjack dealers and Basque shepherds, took notice of our whining chorus, and took action. The Silver State now is fully engaged in a well-financed campaign--the “California Initiative”--to persuade disgruntled California businesses to defect.
Well, let me make it easy for Nevada. What follows is a list of a few California enterprises I’d be happy to give our neighboring state. What we lose in jobs we’d gain in quality of life. And, in the long run, what could be better for business than that?
1. Gloria Allred--If Gloria hangs her shingle in Carson City, she might create more jobs single-handedly than anyone since FDR. For openers, a whole industry of garment makers will be required to sew non-gender-specific costumes for cocktail waitresses. Lounge comedians will need joke writers to rework their lowbrow acts. Whorehouses will be forced to recruit male prostitutes to maintain equal opportunity. Jobs, jobs, jobs. Nevada, you’ll love her.
2. California Cuisine--Now that Wolfgang Puck pizzas can be purchased in the frozen foods section, it’s time to admit this California fad has run its course. What used to be a new way to make food is now a new way to mass-market food. But in Nevada, where a great meal is one that has been “comped” by the casino, tiny portions of grilled duck liver and baby greens might find a second wind. We’ll miss the glamour chefs, but not the experience of walking away from a dainty $100 dinner still hungry.
3. The Legislature--Nevada’s legislators are sheep ranchers who meet every two years to debate brothel regulations and engage in fistfights on the floor. Our legislators are professional bores who meet every day to debate when to go to lunch at Frank Fats. They do, though, make lots of work--for lobbyists, valet parking attendants, haberdashers and federal agents. I say we swap.
4. Daryl F. Gates--The Los Angeles police chief employs a bigger entourage than Ali did in his boxing prime. Take Gates, Nevada, and you get his literary agent, his ghostwriter, his official explainers, assorted commissions and a legion of full-time Gates-baiters. Would it help if we said please?
5. Palm Springs--Palm Springs has a Vegas feel, a Vegas style, and is populated by Vegas people. Let Nevada have it all: Bob Hope Drive, spring break, the George Patton Museum, the dinosaur statues, thongs, the works. Act now, Nevada, and receive a special bonus--a bona fide U.S. Senate candidate. I mean, tell me Sonny Bono wasn’t born to be Nevada’s senator.
6. The Rev. Robert Schuller--Put the Crystal Cathedral in the Crystal City and watch the triumphal marriage of God, gambling and glitz. Imagine the neon marquee: NOW APPEARING, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Steve and Eydie. The high-kicking choir in slitted gowns. The handicapper who makes book on each congregant’s chances of heaven: “Frankly, sir, you’re a hopeless sinner. My advice is take Satan and the points.”
7. The Corcoran State Prison--This and other prisons have been sold to rural communities in California as great economic boons. The residents aren’t overjoyed with the results. Still, the allure of Gray Gold isn’t so tarnished that Nevada, in its jobs fever, couldn’t be coaxed into taking these beauties off our hands. Do it fast, though, before Manson escapes.
8. California Angels--Nevada needs a big league baseball team. Ironically, so does Anaheim--despite all the cash-poor Gene Autry has poured into his Angels. Here’s a chance to send the current crop to Winnemucca and start fresh.
9. The State Lottery--It was fun for a while, but the thrill of watching Californians be conned out of their paychecks is gone. The lottery was sold as a way to improve education; that rivals “Will Work for Food” as one of the great lies of our time. Nevada has no problem fleecing gamblers. Let it have the whole shebang. Yes, even the spellbinding “Big Spin” show.
10. Wilson and Co.--The most important item we can give Nevada would be the people who have attempted to persuade California that economic chaos will follow unless workplace rules and environmental laws are reworked. (Read weakened.) Nevada might not want them either, but it owes us: If it weren’t for this bunch and their dubious reports and statistics, the “California Initiative” would go nowhere fast.
